please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
