A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize