How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
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