Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
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