I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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