apparently the secret to your success is patron
her facebook's as public as her vagina
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
