I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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