you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
