the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
