I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
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