Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
