can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
