I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
