I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
