I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Randomize
