Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
