I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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