he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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