The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
