R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
