I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
Randomize
