You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
