shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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