Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
