but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
