I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Randomize
