peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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