You're my little dorito
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
My breasts were aching with rage.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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