My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
