im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
Randomize
