Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
