I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
