I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
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