he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
Randomize
