I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Just high enough for therapy.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
