So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
