The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
