Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize