I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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