My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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