Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
