No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Randomize
