Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
