Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
