So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
