I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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