It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
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