you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
