I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
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