she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
