I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
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