I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize