I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
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