I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
