bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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