I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize