i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize