My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
