you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
Life is so much better after having sex.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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