I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
