I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
