im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
