When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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