Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
