Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
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