This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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